As I was in the process of trying not to think about the latest douchelord that I’ve been quasi-dating, I started to think about all of the crazy things we do to get over a guy, and how they relate to the stages of grief.
I came up with this list of 16 steps to getting over a guy. Obviously, this isn’t professional advice, but the things that girls really do to make themselves feel better post-breakup.
Denial and Isolation
1. Analyze every detail of your relationship or lack thereof with your friends. Once it’s all out there, move the fuck on.
2. Make a list of pros and cons and realize that the 682 cons outweigh those 2 pros, no matter how big they are.
3. Whatever you do, DO NOT TEXT HIM. And, please stop with the morbid and depressed Facebook statuses. He doesn’t care and neither does anybody else, no matter how many “What’s wrong?” comments you may get.
4. Wish death and incurable diseases on him
5. Laugh about his weird habits and body parts with your friends. This is totally acceptable as long as it’s amongst your best friends, and it’s not going to get back to him that you’ve been bad-mouthing him all over town.
6. Sign him up for gay porn.
7. Post Facebook statuses about how great your life is, how much fun you’re having etc.. even if you are dying on the inside. When you’re doing those “fun” things, make sure you are actually having fun, and stop thinking about him.
8. Stalk the girls he’s probably banging, used to bang or hopes to bang on Facebook because chances are you’re way prettier.
9. Make a deal with the devil or some higher power that you will give up chocolate if you can just find a new guy or your ex can just get hit by a bus.
10. Watch any Nicholas Sparks movie. Have a good ugly cry, then masturbate furiously (preferably to Ryan Gosling).
11. Listen to your super Emo, sappy love song playlist. Make sure to mix it up with a little Spice Girls because you can use some “Girl Power.”
12. Mope, stay in bed and cuddle with the stuffed animals that you normally keep hidden under your bed. This is only acceptable for 1 weekend max- anything longer and you’re going to get bed sores and fired from your job.
13. Binge eat and grow a wolf monkey. Because you can.
14. Shave your snatch and workout hardcore. You’re single now, and you never know where you’re going to find someone to take home. Plus, the next time you see your ex-douche, you want to make him drool.
15. Channel your rage and aggression into a new hobby like boxing or blogging about him on the Internet ☺
16. Find a new distraction or recycle and old one. The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else.